If My Social Media Friends Had to Do This in Real Life, a screenplay in five acts

Haley's brilliant defense of our online community got me to thinking.

I love my real life friends. I like dinner parties and homeschool parkdays. I like going out for frozen yogurt with a friend.

But I also really, really love my online community.

I like that I can laugh with them even if they're asleep. In another hemisphere.

I like that they can ask me a question and then they can go run an errand. And I can answer it while nursing a sad baby.

I like how I can say, "Hey everybody: read this." And the people who want to do, and the people who don't want to don't. Then we can talk about it. Or not.

It got me thinking.

What would it be like if I had these same interactions with my social media friends, in real life? It might be weird.

If I had things like "Time" or "Resources" or a "SAG" "Card" or "Technological" "KnowHow," this would be an amazing YouTube video. For now, it will have to be a screenplay. I supply the words, you supply the imagination.


My kitchen. Me cooking dinner. Look left. Bonnie is sitting cross-legged on my counter.

Me: Hey Bonnie. What music should I listen to while I'm cooking dinner?
Bonnie: Hey Kendra. (She hands me a Hope and Justin Band cd.) You should listen to this.

Music starts playing. I awkwardly bob my head while chopping.

Me: Perfect.
Bonnie: Did you read Kelly's post on Homesteading?
Me: I did. It was great. Very funny. Kelly, I liked your post on Homesteading. It was funny. Haley, Mandi, Molly, Christy, Sarah, Abbey, didn't you think Kelly's post on Homesteading was funny?

Haley, Mandi, Molly, Christy, Sarah, Abbey, and Kelly are now sitting on the counter with Bonnie.

All: Yes, it was great. Very funny. Thumbs up.
Me: I should share that one with everyone.

I open window. Lean head out.

Me: Hello? Everyone? There's this really funny post about Homesteading to be found at aitch tee tee pee colon backslash backslash double-you double-you double-you dot . . .

Molly: Kendra?
Me: Just a sec. (holds up finger) This. Ain't. the. Lyceum. but without the apostrophe. Or the spaces. Do you know how to spell "Lyceum"? Maybe I should spell the whole thing. Tee aitch . . .
Molly: Kendra? Does that ever work?
Me: Work? Um. I don't know. I just think people would like it.

Kelly: (patting my arm) It's okay Kendra. It was a nice thought.

Christy: Is everyone coming over to watch Mad Men?


At the dining room table. Food is served. Jim and I are seated.

Me: (looking under the table)
Kiii-iids! Come to diiiiii-nerrrrr!
No, Blythe, seriously. Those pants look great.

Blythe is sitting under the table. Her bathtub is behind her.

Blythe: Really? You think so? They were a good deal.
Me: Hey, if Grace says they're cute. They. Are. Cute.
Blythe: What about the bathtub? It's pretty gross.
Me: I didn't even notice it.
Blythe: You didn't notice it? It's under your table.
Me: Okay, I noticed it. But it didn't BOTHER me.

All the kids have arrived at the table.

The Husband: (raises eyebrow at me) Ready for dinner honey?
Me: Yes. Oh, yes. Sorry. Bye Blythe.

Blythe: See ya.
(Blythe begins dragging tub off screen)

Me: Okay. I'm done. I'm ready. You?
The Husband: Yes.
Me: (raises eyebrow at him)

The Husband shoos under his side of the table and a dozen business men scurry out.

All: In the name of the Father, and of the Son . . .


Me sitting in my glider, nursing Lulu. In front of me in my living room are a couple of thousand people.

Me: You guys! Did you read this?

I pull a newspaper from behind my back and clear my throat.

It's from the New York Times. Please listen and then we will have a discussion after.

(A couple hundred people leave.)

You guu-uys! He says it's OKAY to give everyone trophies. And if we don't it means we only love our kids conditionally!

(Hundreds more people leave.)

Amelia raises her hand.

Me: Yes, Amelia.
Amelia: I would like to hear it. I think he's probably got a point.

Me: Oh-kay. But first I want to get some of those people back.

Frankie! C'mere!

You guys! Look! It's Frankie! Bobby put Frankie's diaper on backwards! It's backwards! And it's kinda creeping up his buns! Look!

(I hold Frankie aloft. People return dragging their friends along.)

Here we go.


I'm in the front of a classroom at The Learning Annex. I am in my jammies. And curlers. That's not accurate, but it's my story. I'm holding Lulu in one arm and a pointer in the other.

Jim is in a rolling chair typing away on his computer at a desk in the corner of the room.

The rest of the children are in sleeping bags on the floor around the edges of the classroom.

On the chalkboard are written large, tidy words.

I whack each one with my pointer as I say it.


Greetings learners. Let's get right to it, shall we? You don't have to agree with me on this, but if you don't, you're probably a big dummy.

The Husband pushes away from his desk, wheels over to me, and whispers something in my ear.

Me: As I was saying, there are many valid ways to approach this issue.

Lulu falls asleep.

Me: Awesome. Just one minute guys.

(I carefully put her down in the swing, and walk out the door.)

Me: (off screen, slightly muffled) Ah, that's better. As I was saying, PARENTING. Sometimes you're going to have to get dirty. Sometimes you're going to have to get totally covered in POOP.

The Husband pushes away from his desk, wheels across the room and out the door I went through.

Me: Okay, okay. Sometimes you're going to have to face CHALLENGING SITUATIONS.

Rosie: (whispering to Meg) I liked it better when she said, "poop."


I open the door and exaggerated-tiptoe-creep into Jenna's dark bedroom.

Me: Jenna? I think if you're having trouble getting your baby to sleep at night, you should try reading THIS BOOK .

(I trip over something, the book goes flying through the air, and hits the lamp, which falls off the side table and crashes noisily to the floor.)

Jenna and Mr. Call Her Happy sit up and look at me.

Me: Oops. Ha hah. Um. Sorry guys. I'll go.

Just one quick thing. I have the winner of the Mother's Day Giveaway. Do you want me to tell you? No? Okay. That's cool. I could, um, send you a letter or something.

(I head for the door.) I'll go. I'm going.

It's Kaitlin Alfermann though.

Kaitlin Alfermann won the embroidery hoop necklace. So, you're going to want to, um, get in touch with her. I'll go. Sorry about the lamp. And the baby. Have a, um, a happy Mother's Day . . .



And just so YOU can be as grateful as Jenna that there's social media, here are the rest of the winners.

Bella Studios: annF (Bella Studios: Vintage Miraculous Medal! Beautiful work!)

Mary's Prayers: Ann-Marie Ulczynski (Mary’s Prayers – the St. Joseph Birthstone necklace is really pretty)

My Daily Grace 1: Grace Degen (My Daily Grace is sweet, and not just because we share a name. My favorite has to be the "Mary mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now" but they are all right down my ally to be honest.)

My Daily Grace 2: tessacat (My Daily Grace -- Saint Therese of Lisieux Necklace, because she is my namesake & patron saint)

TTE Designs: Laura (TTEDesigns - Vintage Look Brass Resin Hummingbird Frame Earrings (though the steampunk pendants are also very awesome!))

Always Rosary: Amanda (the Vintage Miraculous Medal necklace and the Silver-Blue Catholic mother's day rosary from Always Rosary)

Please send me an email with your email address to CatholicAllYear @ gmail . com and I will forward it along to the artists so you can get your prize! Or just stop by here in the middle of the night. Whatever.

If you happen to be international, please mention that so I can figure out if the artist can ship to you. I don't want you to be left out. But you might end up with a book instead. It's your own fault for not living in 'Merica, you know.

The Husband pushes away from his desk again, wheels over to me again, and whispers something in my ear...again.

As I was saying, I love and will try my best.

You have until Friday at 10pm to contact me. Or I'll select another winner.

Speaking of social media friends, some of my blogging friends are also sharing their thoughts on online community and the good side of the internet today. Check it out!